by Laura Johnson

This chapter from Divorce Strategy was excerpted in all of the Fall 1998 U.S. editions of Divorce Magazine. The article is titled Charting Your Expenses in the Money Matters section.

How Much Does It All Cost?

Your cost to maintain an established lifestyle consists of all the expenses you pay from all your income sources, including loans. In a divorce you will hear the phrases “maintain a lifestyle to which your family is accustomed” and “reasonable needs”. There is an inherent conflict between the concepts of lifestyle and reasonable needs. The cost to meet the reasonable needs of your family may be much different than the cost of your lifestyle.

Webster’s Dictionary defines lifestyle as the “consistent, integrated way of life of an individual as typified by his manner, attitudes, possessions, etc.”. Reasonable needs are those things necessary to sustain a family with the basic requirements. The qualifier “reasonable” adds the limitations of not excessive, extreme or immoderate. Your family’s lifestyle and reasonable needs are the twocomponents of expenses that play a part in a divorce.

The difference in the definitions between “reasonable needs” and “lifestyle” becomes painfully obvious when a divorce court sets an amount of money for child support or spousal support. Quite often, the support amounts do not satisfy either spouse’s expenses to maintain previous lifestyles or the family’s current reasonable needs. This may lead to each ex-spouse being angry or bitter. These feelings are a result of each spouse believing that he or she is either paying too much or not receiving enough money for support. In reality, both spouses have to make adjustments in how they each pay for their needs and maintain their lifestyle.

Historical and Current Expenses

Your first step to determine the cost for your family’s lifestyle is to gather documents showing how your family has spent all the family money over a period of time. Several years worth of records are optimum, but records beginning one year prior to any separation may suffice. Some of the records you need are: bank account registers, canceled checks, paid bills, credit card statements, loan papers and cash receipts.

Software for financial record keeping is very helpful if you have a computer. A manual system takes longer to put together, but can be just as effective. For the manual system you need a 14 columnar pad, an adding machine or calculator, a good eraser and pencils. Use the worksheets at the end of this chapter as guidelines for setting up your own worksheets on separate sheets of paper.

To keep better track of expenses, change some of your spending habits. Start paying for as many expenses as possible with a credit card or check. Keep a daily log of any cash purchases. If you use a debit card to buy groceries and get cash back, note the amount of cash you received. Also, be sure you do not include the cash you received as a part of your food expense. Enter your current daily expenses under the proper categories into your daily or weekly worksheets. At the end of a month, add up all of your weekly expenses by category to get a monthly total for each category. Write that number in the proper space for each category expense for the month listed in your annual worksheet.

Continue keeping track of your daily and monthly expenses, transferring your monthly totals into a yearly worksheet listing your categories of expenses paid in that month. Total each month’s expenses and total each category for all the months you have entered data. Add all the month’s totals and divide by the number of months to get an average monthly total for each expense.

Organizing Your Records

Another example is credit card charges made to a child’s clothing store. This is a clothing expense and the children benefit from the purchase. List the expense under the clothing category for the children. The next step is to review each canceled check, paid bill or receipt and credit card statement to categorize all the transactions. At the same time you are categorizing the expense, record it into your system. Use the model worksheets on pages 165, 166, 168 and 169 to set up your recording system. Examples of some category listings are on pages 167 and 170.

Enter the expenses that you pay annually in the month you make the payment. Examples of these expenses are real estate taxes or insurance premiums. If you do not pay all your credit card bills in full every month, make a notation of the full amount of the bill and the amount you paid. Be sure to make an adjustment deducting the amount you carried over from the previous month when you make an entry in the following month. You want to list only the unpaid balance for the new charges each month to avoid a double entry for any balance carried over from a prior month or billing cycle. In some instances, the payment you make on the balance owed may be a monthly expense. Do not forget categories for interest, penalties and late fees.

Direct and Indirect Expenses

Once you have your family’s expenses listed and categorized, allocate them further into direct and indirect expenses. Direct expenses are the expenses incurred specifically for a particular family member. Indirect expenses are the costs for housing and other types of expenses necessary to maintain your family’s lifestyle. Examples of direct expenses are: tuition for a child to attend a private school, college tuition and room and board, clothing, medical expenses or music lessons. Some indirect expenses are: rent, mortgage payment, utility bills, automobile loan payment or insurance. In some cases, a payment of automobile insurance can be a direct expense if it is paid for a teenager to drive a car. Once you have compiled the worksheets for your family’s expenses, compute the average monthly total for the children’s indirect expenses and direct expenses.

© 1997 Broken Heart Publishing

by Laura Johnson

Here are some do’s, don’ts, and tips to help you handle things when your son or your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting a divorce.”

• Don’t become personally involved in your child’s divorce.
• Don’t ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or daughter.
• Don’t go to meetings between your son or your daughter and his or her lawyer.
• Don’t let your son’s or daughter’s divorce affect your relationship with your other children.
• Don’t interfere with your son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s visitation rights with your grandchildren.
• Don’t say bad or derogatory things about your child’s spouse in front of your grandchildren.
• Control your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught up in the nastiness of the “he said—she said” side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your family’s safety.
• Do listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in you about the break up of the marriage; be supportive, but don’t say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust, anxiety, or hopelessness.
• Don’t help your child hide money or assets. If you’re caught, in addition to becoming a party to your child’s divorce or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize your own assets.
• Do pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
• Realize that your grandchildren’s schedule of life will be drastically changed. They will be shuffled between dad’s home and mom’s home and each parent may jealously guard his or her time with the children. You may have to make special plans, weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have time with your grandchildren.
• If either of your grandchildren’s parents will not let you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent visitation laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those rights if necessary.
• Your grandchildren need you during and after their parent’s divorce. Call them on the phone, write letters, send cards, and spend time with them.
• If your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will be probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan, in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
• Become involved in making “new” family traditions for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in the ending of your child’s marriage.
• Attend your grandchildren’s special events, such as sports games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
• If there are allegations that your son or your daughter has abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren. Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what occurred during the times you supervised your child’s access to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that you will become a target of your child’s spouse or ex-spouse.
• Do help your child become educated about the divorce process, financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
• If you own property, especially real estate, with your son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the divorce proceedings. This is so the court can “divide” the property in which you have an ownership interest.
• If your son or your daughter moves into your home during the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
• If your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your home during the pendency of your child’s divorce, discuss with your child how your grandchildren’s day care, transportation, discipline and social life will be handled.
• If your child doesn’t have any money, receive sufficient financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility that you may become a secondary source of financial support for your child and grandchildren.
• If you loan your child money to pay for your child’s or your grandchildren’s living expenses, always do it with a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any property that your child may receive in the divorce or with your child’s future earnings. Make sure that you charge a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
• Plan for the possibility that your child may ask you for large sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment, but expect that it will take a long time to get your money back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with any property or fee award that your child may receive in the divorce.
• Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce.