This chapter from Divorce Strategy was excerpted in all of the Fall 1998 U.S. editions of Divorce Magazine. The article is titled Charting Your Expenses in the Money Matters section.
How Much Does It All Cost?
Your cost to maintain an established lifestyle consists of all the expenses you pay from all your income sources, including loans. In a divorce you will hear the phrases “maintain a lifestyle to which your family is accustomed” and “reasonable needs”. There is an inherent conflict between the concepts of lifestyle and reasonable needs. The cost to meet the reasonable needs of your family may be much different than the cost of your lifestyle.
Webster’s Dictionary defines lifestyle as the “consistent, integrated way of life of an individual as typified by his manner, attitudes, possessions, etc.”. Reasonable needs are those things necessary to sustain a family with the basic requirements. The qualifier “reasonable” adds the limitations of not excessive, extreme or immoderate. Your family’s lifestyle and reasonable needs are the twocomponents of expenses that play a part in a divorce.
The difference in the definitions between “reasonable needs” and “lifestyle” becomes painfully obvious when a divorce court sets an amount of money for child support or spousal support. Quite often, the support amounts do not satisfy either spouse’s expenses to maintain previous lifestyles or the family’s current reasonable needs. This may lead to each ex-spouse being angry or bitter. These feelings are a result of each spouse believing that he or she is either paying too much or not receiving enough money for support. In reality, both spouses have to make adjustments in how they each pay for their needs and maintain their lifestyle.
Historical and Current Expenses
Your first step to determine the cost for your family’s lifestyle is to gather documents showing how your family has spent all the family money over a period of time. Several years worth of records are optimum, but records beginning one year prior to any separation may suffice. Some of the records you need are: bank account registers, canceled checks, paid bills, credit card statements, loan papers and cash receipts.
Software for financial record keeping is very helpful if you have a computer. A manual system takes longer to put together, but can be just as effective. For the manual system you need a 14 columnar pad, an adding machine or calculator, a good eraser and pencils. Use the worksheets at the end of this chapter as guidelines for setting up your own worksheets on separate sheets of paper.
To keep better track of expenses, change some of your spending habits. Start paying for as many expenses as possible with a credit card or check. Keep a daily log of any cash purchases. If you use a debit card to buy groceries and get cash back, note the amount of cash you received. Also, be sure you do not include the cash you received as a part of your food expense. Enter your current daily expenses under the proper categories into your daily or weekly worksheets. At the end of a month, add up all of your weekly expenses by category to get a monthly total for each category. Write that number in the proper space for each category expense for the month listed in your annual worksheet.
Continue keeping track of your daily and monthly expenses, transferring your monthly totals into a yearly worksheet listing your categories of expenses paid in that month. Total each month’s expenses and total each category for all the months you have entered data. Add all the month’s totals and divide by the number of months to get an average monthly total for each expense.
Organizing Your Records
Another example is credit card charges made to a child’s clothing store. This is a clothing expense and the children benefit from the purchase. List the expense under the clothing category for the children. The next step is to review each canceled check, paid bill or receipt and credit card statement to categorize all the transactions. At the same time you are categorizing the expense, record it into your system. Use the model worksheets on pages 165, 166, 168 and 169 to set up your recording system. Examples of some category listings are on pages 167 and 170.
Enter the expenses that you pay annually in the month you make the payment. Examples of these expenses are real estate taxes or insurance premiums. If you do not pay all your credit card bills in full every month, make a notation of the full amount of the bill and the amount you paid. Be sure to make an adjustment deducting the amount you carried over from the previous month when you make an entry in the following month. You want to list only the unpaid balance for the new charges each month to avoid a double entry for any balance carried over from a prior month or billing cycle. In some instances, the payment you make on the balance owed may be a monthly expense. Do not forget categories for interest, penalties and late fees.
Direct and Indirect Expenses
Once you have your family’s expenses listed and categorized, allocate them further into direct and indirect expenses. Direct expenses are the expenses incurred specifically for a particular family member. Indirect expenses are the costs for housing and other types of expenses necessary to maintain your family’s lifestyle. Examples of direct expenses are: tuition for a child to attend a private school, college tuition and room and board, clothing, medical expenses or music lessons. Some indirect expenses are: rent, mortgage payment, utility bills, automobile loan payment or insurance. In some cases, a payment of automobile insurance can be a direct expense if it is paid for a teenager to drive a car. Once you have compiled the worksheets for your family’s expenses, compute the average monthly total for the children’s indirect expenses and direct expenses.
© 1997 Broken Heart Publishing
Byline: Dianne Williamson
COLUMN: DIANNE WILLIAMSON
It seemed like just yesterday, during the halcyon time in the life of Britney Spears, that I saw her strut frenetically around the Worcester Centrum and later advanced the theory she was, quite possibly, the devil.
It was July 2002, and Britney had been named the No. 1 celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. I had gone to her concert prepared to be bored, and later realized to my horror that I was humming one of her stupid songs on the way home.
That’s part of the reason I suggested that she may well be the anti-Christ. I noted that the then-20-year-old pop tart didn’t sing particularly well and had lowered the standards of music around the world. I mentioned that her image of a virgin trapped in the body of a slut had caused mass confusion among parents, who weren’t sure whether Britney was helpful or harmful to the psyches of their impressionable daughters.
“Isn’t that the job of the devil?” I wrote. “To subtly seduce, to destroy the value of what we hold dear, to chip away at our very senses?”
The column was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but that didn’t stop legions of 12-year-olds from zipping off feverish e-mails rife with exclamation points, explaining that Britney rules and she’s, like, totally talented, and I’m just jealous because I’m old and not as pretty as her and besides, I happen to be an idiot.
What’s happened since then is the same old story. Britney married a guy in Vegas, divorced him a few hours later, married K-Fed, had kids, divorced him, shaved her head, neglected her children in full view of the paparazzi, inexplicably adopted a British accent, took to wearing no underwear in public, danced like a cyborg zombie at the MTV music awards, reached out to Oprah-endorsed TV psychologists, and had major televised meltdowns.
Now, we’re supposed to feel badly for Britney. The poor kid is a victim of a celebrity culture that chewed her up. Her addictions, self-absorption and bizarre behavior are cause for compassion, not contempt. The fact that she has a gazillion dollars and countless “people” to cater to her only increases our sympathy.
I’m trying to keep up, really. Now, though, comes news that the paparazzi are over Britney. According to the New York Daily News, a top photo agency head claimed that the media has moved on. “Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen covering Britney,” said BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman.
Dare we dream? Is this an April Fools’ prank? Or is it bye-bye Britney?
I’m guessing, not a chance. It’s pointless to argue that we should pay no mind to this pampered young star, because we can’t help ourselves. Which is too bad. Britney, you’ve been chasing the limelight since you were born. It’s time to give it a rest. Your public is exhausted.
For starters, I’m tired of according sympathy to spoiled celebs who don’t deserve it. I don’t care if Britney or Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton are in recovery or rehab or crisis or drunk or desperate or looking for love or crying on the inside. These women have been given every opportunity and lived lives most girls dream of. And they behave like imbeciles. I choose to save my sympathy for girls raised by drug-addled single moms who can’t afford publicists and high-priced rehab centers. When Britney became such a train wreck that K-Fed was considered the stabilizing influence in the family, that’s when I chose to jump off.
But I sense we’re not quite done with her, or her demons. Just as paparazzi interest supposedly wanes come rave reviews for Brit’s small role in the sitcom “How I Met Your Mother.” She played a ditz who uttered the line, “Can we have sex and then go shopping?” Now there’s a stretch. Now, rumors swirl that she’s being offered the role of tragic boozer Blanche DuBois in a new London theater production of “A Streetcar Named Desire.”
Perhaps most chilling, though, is news that the paparazzi have moved on - to wholesome Miley Cyrus. Mr. Elterman says the paparazzi want “something new and fresh,” and so the pack has shifted to the 15-year-old pop star, who, so far, still remembers to wear panties in public.
Too bad that’s no April Fools’ joke.
Contact Dianne Williamson via e-mail at dwilliamson@telegram.com.
So, you thought you have finally found the ONE.
Someone who has an established career, with stable financial status, responsible, good looking, intelligent, and good-humored person has finally come into your life.
But, just when you thought you”ve finally met the ideal man or woman of your dreams, everything seems to be wrong and complicated. Suddenly, he has lost his job, she went bankrupt, he became careless, and she became paranoid about everything. You try to help your partner in dealing with the issues but it always turns out that he or she’’s too good to ask help from anybody?even you.
Still, despite everything you still do almost everything to help your beau without you realizing that he or she slowly drags you into the pit of depression and helplessness they”re in. When you feel that you are no longer healthy, happy, and growing in the relationship, that’’s the time when you are trapped in bad relationship.
Being stuck and stranded
It is always hard to end any kind of relationship?especially if it’’s a romantic relationship. But, no matter how hard to end something that you thought is precious, you should know when to end a relationship especially if you are well-aware that its not doing you any good.
The signs of the times would probably tell you if you are already being stuck in a bad relationship. Experts agree that the relationship is already bad when the couple is going through unusual periods of disagreement and bitterness that can be evitable in some relationships. You will also know if you are already in the pit of a bad relationship when it involves incessant aggravation and everything?even your partner?seems to be out of your reach.
The main determinant if you are in a bad relationship is the behavior of your partner. You can tell that you are being caught up in a bad relationship if your partner is beyond your reach of communication and comprehension, he or she doesn”t want to make any commitment, doesn”t profess his or her feelings even if there is a sort of commitment or plainly incapable of loving someone else besides him or herself.
Studies also show that in any bad relationship, the couple is often on dissimilar wavelengths that there is almost no common ground and no connection or communication that result to irritation and disappointment.
Since bad relationships usually stem from chronic reciprocation of what one or both partners need, the relationship itself can even damage the self-esteem of the persons involved. Bad relationships are also destructive for persons especially those who have invested so much in their careers for their personal lives since these serve as a perfect breeding ground for rage, bitterness, self-doubt, melancholy, and distress.
Aside from emotional distress, staying in a bad relationship can be hazardous to someone’’s health. The most common hazard of bad relationship is the physical harm caused by an abusive partner. In less severe cases, being in a bad relationship can cause tensions and various chemical changes often triggered by so much stress.
Being in a bad relationship reflects so much on the person’’s overall health and well-being because it can drain energy, thus, lowering the body’’s resistance to illness. The common health hazards of being in a bad relationship include severe headaches, back pains, and stomachaches caused by anger and frustration; insomnia and melancholy caused by emotional distress; and weight problems caused by irregular behavioral patterns and depression.
If couples continue to be in a relationship that is no longer healthy, they will try to find a way to escape from being stuck inside by being alcoholic or drug dependent. Worse, being stuck in an unhealthy relationship can eventually lead to recurrent suicide attempts.
Breaking free
What most people inside relationships do not realize is that the more they try to work things out, things get more and more complicated. This is because both people in the relationship try so hard to pass through the stage without realizing that they are detaching themselves with their respective partners. As a result of this detachment is misunderstanding, incompatibility, and soon enough, falling out of love.
If you are already in a bad relationship that robs you off your freedom to be yourself, the freedom to love other person, and the freedom to get out of an unhealthy and destructive relationship, here are some of the things you can do to recover.
1. Consider your wellness as the first priority in life whether you are in or out of a romantic relationship.
2. Try to be “selfish” at times by focusing on your own needs above all else.
3. Be strong enough to deal with your own problems.
4. Have a positive outlook in life and cultivate whatever positive values you acquired within the relationship.
5. Nurture you spiritual side and try to look for ways or activities that can bring you inner peace.
6. If the relationship was quite traumatic, think of getting professional help or find a support group where you can chare your experiences and the lessons you have learned.
7. Don”t be afraid to fall in love but try to be more cautious next time so you won”t be stuck in a bad relationship.
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