by Laura Johnson

Here are some do’s, don’ts, and tips to help you handle things when your son or your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting a divorce.”

• Don’t become personally involved in your child’s divorce.
• Don’t ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or daughter.
• Don’t go to meetings between your son or your daughter and his or her lawyer.
• Don’t let your son’s or daughter’s divorce affect your relationship with your other children.
• Don’t interfere with your son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s visitation rights with your grandchildren.
• Don’t say bad or derogatory things about your child’s spouse in front of your grandchildren.
• Control your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught up in the nastiness of the “he said—she said” side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your family’s safety.
• Do listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in you about the break up of the marriage; be supportive, but don’t say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust, anxiety, or hopelessness.
• Don’t help your child hide money or assets. If you’re caught, in addition to becoming a party to your child’s divorce or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize your own assets.
• Do pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
• Realize that your grandchildren’s schedule of life will be drastically changed. They will be shuffled between dad’s home and mom’s home and each parent may jealously guard his or her time with the children. You may have to make special plans, weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have time with your grandchildren.
• If either of your grandchildren’s parents will not let you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent visitation laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those rights if necessary.
• Your grandchildren need you during and after their parent’s divorce. Call them on the phone, write letters, send cards, and spend time with them.
• If your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will be probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan, in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
• Become involved in making “new” family traditions for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in the ending of your child’s marriage.
• Attend your grandchildren’s special events, such as sports games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
• If there are allegations that your son or your daughter has abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren. Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what occurred during the times you supervised your child’s access to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that you will become a target of your child’s spouse or ex-spouse.
• Do help your child become educated about the divorce process, financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
• If you own property, especially real estate, with your son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the divorce proceedings. This is so the court can “divide” the property in which you have an ownership interest.
• If your son or your daughter moves into your home during the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
• If your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your home during the pendency of your child’s divorce, discuss with your child how your grandchildren’s day care, transportation, discipline and social life will be handled.
• If your child doesn’t have any money, receive sufficient financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility that you may become a secondary source of financial support for your child and grandchildren.
• If you loan your child money to pay for your child’s or your grandchildren’s living expenses, always do it with a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any property that your child may receive in the divorce or with your child’s future earnings. Make sure that you charge a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
• Plan for the possibility that your child may ask you for large sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment, but expect that it will take a long time to get your money back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with any property or fee award that your child may receive in the divorce.
• Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce.

Interstate Divorce: Getting a Divorce Across State Lines

by Laura Johnson

Susan from California asked, “Can I file for divorce in California if my husband lives in New York? Or, do I have to file in New York?” The answer is that there’s no easy and straightforward answer. Maybe yes, maybe no and maybe in both. It just depends upon the facts of Susan’s situation, the laws of California and the laws of New York. It revolves around the questions of which state has jurisdiction to enter an enforceable order that handles each legal issue involved in the divorce and which state has proper venue if both states could have jurisdiction.

Jurisdiction is the power and authority that a court or a judge has to hear and determine a particular type of case and issue. Personal (in personam) jurisdiction and subject matter (in rem) jurisdiction are the two types that most frequently come up in an interstate divorce.

A court has to have personal jurisdiction over “the person” of each party to a lawsuit in order to enter an enforceable judgment. This means that each person must have been properly served notice of the pending lawsuit and, in some instances, must submit to the jurisdiction of the court by filing an entry of appearance in the court file.

Subject matter jurisdiction is the power of the court to enter an enforceable order regarding the issues in a divorce. Examples of issues are: child custody, disposition of certain types of property, child support, and spousal support. The court must also have the statutory authority to hear a family law case.

Venue refers to which state court is the right one for holding a trial when more than one court has subject matter jurisdiction. A court may have jurisdiction without venue. It cannot have venue without jurisdiction.

In Sally’s case, for example, she and her husband had been separated for several years. Sally had moved to California two years ago and her husband had remained in New York. She didn’t know where he presently lived in New York because he had moved over a year ago without giving her a new address. They had no property together, no children, and neither of them needed support from the other.

In essence Sally had become “unofficially divorced” over two years ago. Now, she just wanted to make her “divorce” official and legal. She filed for divorce in California and requested that the divorce papers be served by a process server in New York at the last address she had for her husband. The process server couldn’t locate her husband, so the papers were returned to the California court as unserved (non est). Sally’s next step was to give her husband notice of the divorce action through “service by publication”, a legal process involving the running of a written notice of the lawsuit in appropriate legal newspapers. Upon completion of the publication process, Sally’s lawyer helped her get a legal divorce, and Sally is now legally a single person.

Sally’s situation was relatively simple compared to what occurs in some divorces. Take Jeri and James’ divorce for example. Jeri and James were married in their high school hometown in Iowa, lived there for six years, and had two children. As part of his job, James was transferred to Illinois.

The family sold their home in Iowa, bought a new one in Illinois and everyone settled into their new home and community. Jeri traded in her Iowa driver’s license for an Illinois one. The children began attending school. Five months after the move to Illinois, Jeri received a letter from a lawyer saying that her husband was going to file for divorce and wanted to mediate the divorce instead of litigation.

When confronted, her husband admitted that he had been having a relationship with a coworker for a number of years and had arranged the transfer to be with her when he found out she was being transferred to Illinois. He also admitted that he had planned to wait until they lived in Illinois to file for divorce because he had been told that it would be better for him to get a divorce in Illinois rather than in Iowa.

Jeri called an experienced divorce lawyer in her Iowa hometown and told him the story. He advised her of her choices based upon the jurisdiction of each state, particularly about which state had jurisdiction over child custody. She packed up her children, some personal belongings, and returned to her hometown in Iowa. Her soon-to-be ex-husband arrived home that night to find a note telling him where she and the children could be reached.

To make a long story short, their divorce lasted a long time and cost them each a lot of money, much of it over which state had jurisdiction and proper venue to deal with the issue of child custody. Six years, many hearings, two trials, two appeals, and over $100,000 in legal fees later, they agreed to settle the custody issue.

Their legal battle was over jurisdiction and venue. Their personal agenda was probably something else.

In cases like Jeri and James’, there is a law called the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA) that plays a part in determining which state has jurisdiction and venue. The UCCJA is a federal act that has been adopted, in full or in a version thereof, by most of the states and is a part of the family law statutes.

There’s another federal law that came into the picture in Jeri and James’ case. It’s the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act (PKPA) which also deals, in part, with which state has jurisdiction to make a child custody decision when a parent removes a child from the other parent’s custody without that parent’s permission.

Another example of subject matter jurisdiction can be told in the case of Sue and Frank. They were married in Missouri and had a child in Missouri, moved to Texas, got divorced in Texas where Sue got custody of their child and Frank was ordered to pay her support. Then Sue and their child returned to Missouri, with Frank’s permission.

Several years later, when their child was a senior in high school, Sue filed a motion to modify the Texas divorce judgment in the Missouri court asking the Missouri court to increase the amount of child support and to extend the date for termination of the support obligation to comply with Missouri law instead of Texas law. Her ex-husband was served the Missouri papers and hired a Missouri lawyer to contest subject matter jurisdiction.

The Missouri court modified the Texas judgment, using Texas law–not Missouri law. The Missouri court used the power conferred upon it in accordance with the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act, another federal act, of which Missouri and Texas had each adopted its own version.

By now you probably realize that interstate divorces can either be very simple and relatively inexpensive or very complex and very, very expensive. It all depends upon the facts of each marriage, the laws of each state, the issues to be litigated, the legal opinion you get from a lawyer about which state is more advantageous to your position, the state that is most likely to win any battle over jurisdiction and venue, your spouse’s position on any contested issues, and whether the possible outcome will be worth the risk and cost to you, your spouse, or to your combined estate.

Disclaimer

The author and publisher of this article have done their best to give you useful and accurate information. This article does not replace the advice you should get from a lawyer, accountant or other professional if the content of the article involves an issue you are facing. Divorce laws vary from state-to-state and change from time-to-time. In addition, it is a very fact-specific area of the law, meaning that the particular facts of your marriage and divorce, as well as other external factors may determine how the law is applied in your situation. Always consult with a qualified professional before making any decisions about the issues described in this article. Thank you.

The honeymoon is over for former child star Gary Coleman and his new bride, Shannon Price.

The 40-year-old actor and his 22-year-old wife are set to appear on TV’s “Divorce Court” on May 1st and 2nd. The couple wed in August after meeting on the set of the 2006 comedy “Church Ball.”

Among the problems the pair discusses with Judge Lynn Toler are Gary’s anger and intimacy issues. Gary and Shannon agree they have “ugly” monthly fights.

“If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five- year-old does,” Shannon says. “He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.”

Gary says he gets frustrated because “the male is always the bad guy.”

“When I try to state my case or explain things to her or try to get her to understand my point of view,” Gary says, “my point of view doesn’t matter.”

Shannon also complains that Gary has no friends and inexplicably disappears from home in the middle of the night. When Judge Toler presses him, Gary admits he is negative.

“I don’t have any friends and don’t have any intention of making any,” he says. “People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about me behind your back, steal from you. And they’re not really your friends. (They’re) only there because you’re a celebrity or because they want to get something from you.”

Gary went on to describe the couple’s private life as “mediocre.”

“It’s not her fault,” he says. “I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. … There are days I don’t even want to get up.”

Will Judge Lynn Toler be able to help Gary Coleman save his marriage, or is it too late? Tune in to find out!

Robin Williams and Marsha Garces Williams, married in April 1989, are splitting up. Garces Williams filed a divorce petition in San Francisco on March 21, seeking to end her marriage to Williams on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.

She is in her early 50s; he is 56. They married soon after Williams’ divorce from Valerie Velardi, to whom he had been married for 10 years. Williams’ and Garces’ daughter, Zelda, was born in July of that year; their son, Cody, in 1991.

Williams and Garces met while she worked as a nanny for Zachary, born in 1983 to Williams and Velardi. Garces subsequently worked as personal assistant to the comedian. Four years after their marriage, in a New York Times interview, he said, “I don’t need to go out to a club now and get a little bit of intimacy from 100 or 200 people. Now I can get that talking to friends around the table.”

Over the years, as their family grew, Williams and Garces worked together, both professionally and toward values they shared. In 1991, they founded Blue Wolf Productions; Garces produced “Mrs. Doubtfire,” “Patch Adams,” “Jakob the Liar” and “Robin Williams Live on Broadway.”

Together they also created the Windfall Foundation, a non-profit that focuses on education, health, the environment and the arts. Garces has particularly been involved with Doctors Without Borders and Seacology; Williams with the Christopher Reeve Foundation (he was Reeve’s classmate at Juilliard) and Comic Relief. Their house, in Sea Cliff, was the site of a variety of big-ticket fundraising dinners and cocktail parties, but also Halloween central for neighborhood trick-or-treaters.

Williams has done two publicly acknowledged stints in rehab: for drugs in the ’80s and, after staying sober for 20 years, for alcohol in 2006. The couple was out and about at various events upon his return, and in the past year, he has delighted Bay Area audiences by dropping in unannounced for surprise appearances at comedy events and clubs.

Garces was not at Williams’ side when he was honored by the San Francisco International Film Festival last spring, and amid reports of many sightings in Marin County, where he was said to have been living, rumors of problems have been rife for months.